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26 November 2013 10:41 PM
Brock Gabbert

With the Seniors’ IOCs coming up, Seniors now have to review all of the poems that they came to love so well. We at the IAM action news decided to revisit our good friend Sylvia Plath.

The senior class at the IAM has recently ended their seemingly life-long unit on the late poet Sylvia Plath. So the IAM Action News knew that now would be the perfect time to earn cheap popularity points. So this hard-hitting reporter decided to put together a painstakingly researched and well thought-out biography of Sylvia Plath’s life.

Sylvia “Mad Dog” Plath was born in 1932 on the International Space Station. She was only the second person to be born in space (after Gwyneth Paltrow, who, on a side note; has only survived since 1932 because of a deal made with the devil). She went on to have a normal childhood in Massachusetts.

Her father, Otto “The Crusher” Plath, was (as most men are) a handler and expert of Bees. Eventually, (as most men do) he died of diabetes.

Plath vowed to avenge her father, and when on the hunt for Dr. Klaus Schmidt, the Nazi scientist who had invented diabetes. She made her way to Berlin, disguised as Prime Minister Tojo of Japan, there to meet for a conference and the weekly world leader poker night (which did get a little awkward after Hitler took power, with Neville Chamberlain constantly folding whenever Hitler asked him to).

After many years and many murdered Nazi foot-soldiers, she finally caught up with him in a bar in Mombasa, where he sat drinking vodka (or in the interest of being school appropriate; “non-alcoholic vodka”). She sneaked up behind him. She had never seen him before, but she could tell it was he because of the Nazi armbands and the lab coat that had written across the back: PROPERTY OF KLAUS SCHMIDT, in large, bold font (sans-serif, for you font enthusiasts out there).

She silently drew her knife to kill him, sweat dripping off her nose as she gripped the knife harder.

“Hello Dr. Schmidt.” she said in the calmest voice she could muster, hoping it wouldn’t betray the fact that her head was pounding and all she could hear was the sound of blood rushing past her ears. “Prepare to die.”

Schmidt turned around.

It was her Father.

Also she committed suicide and wrote poetry.

 


Comments

Totally NOT Brock Gabbert
12/04/2013 7:41am

Wow, what a well written and beautifully thought out piece! I have never been so inspired and uplifted by a piece of writing. Brock Gabbert is the finest writer of our, or any generation. Plus he's really good-looking.

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Totally NOT Brock Gabbert
12/04/2013 7:53am

Also, I'm NOT Brock Gabbert.

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    Brock Gabbert is one of the most popular names you hear coming out of educated mouths these days. This talented book reviewer definitely knows what's up.

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